Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Feminist Critical Essay

In Rebecca McClanahan’s essay “Bearing Life: Liferower,” she uses extended metaphor and rhythm to illuminate theme. She is comparing her endurance in life to rowing a boat and the constant pacing of a heart beating. In comparison to her own journey, is a computer generated “pacer,” contrasting society’s expectations of women.

“Liferower” has dual meanings. In the opening line, “There I am on the Liferower screen, the computerized woman in the tiny boat, and the little woman rowing below me is my pacer” McClanahan sets up a metacognitive view of how she sees herself while exercising. The symbolism that her exercise is the steady rhythm, “my pacer,” which is the center, or heart beat, of her life. “’Keep up with the pacer,’ blinks the sign on the screen” has dual meaning as to McClanahan keeping up with her exercise routine and a woman keeping up with an industrialized society.

In “with my father in space-time,” McClanahan describes “The first time I felt my heartbeat I was eight years old.” She weaves themes of the heart through her body of work in both literal and figurative ways, “My father’s valve has been replaced with plastic that clicks when he overexerts himself.” Her writing explores the father/ daughter relationship, and in it comes the question, “If I have no one to care for, who will care for me?” With this worry of a woman, comes the statement, “And the hearts of women beat faster and harder, both waking, and sleeping, than the hearts of men.”

As she recalls her younger self, the measurements of her wedding dress, she states, “The marriage lasted three years, three years longer than it should have because I was determined not to fail. My mother was my measure, my pacer, and when my husband began turning from me, I rowed faster and faster toward him. I would work harder, cook more of his favorite foods, steam his khakis with a sharper pleat.” Although McClanahan does not identify herself as a feminist, she cannot help but illuminate in her writing the expectation of a woman’s role, the physical toll to meet it, and society’s backlash once she falls short of it. The next line, “Lean into the stroke. Keep up with the pacer. You are three boats behind” shows her “rowing” what the waters have brought her, and yet behind according to the computer generated pacer.

McClanahan addresses issues of ageism in her essay with “On the rower beside mine, a young woman pumps with long, tanned legs and pulls with lean, muscled arms that she probably believes will never soften.” McClanahan, the older woman, is invisible to the weight instructor of her own age. “He does not see me.” Yet, the younger woman is so belabored in her own movement, she is not enjoying these moments of her youth. “She watches her reflection in the floor-to-ceiling mirror as if her body belongs to someone else. Her forehead is prematurely lined with worry; she is not enjoying this.” Our physical appearance as women is objectified to the point we are out of our own bodies, seeing our reflection in the mirror, disconnected to the experience within our own skin.

“The child I chose against would have been born into the cramped space of my life between marriages.” Here, her use of alliteration, adds a literary lilting quality in contrast to this harsh reality of her life. “I still ask myself how it could have happened. Things happen.” There is the blaming of herself in the choice and yet, at the same moment, the judgment is lifted in how life happens. In the description, “The doctor, who is kind and slightly plump, his forehead lined from having seen too much,” uses the imagery of the forehead again as a symbol of worry. Here, the gender roles overlap, the doctor is concerned for her and tries to offer some words of advice. Unfortunately, his method is not comforting, but rather patriarchal and patronizing as he “holds up a glass bottle filled with something bright and red. ‘This is pregnancy,’ he says, believing it is for your own good. ‘Don’t let this happen again.’” As if there were no repercussions to a woman’s decision.

The metaphor of the liferower and the symbol of the bloody pumping heart continues with, “Five boats ahead of me, the pacer slides over the finish line, leaving red buoys bobbing in her wake.” It is a race between the woman and the computerized pacer. “I place my fingertips on my carotid artery and begin the count that will bring me back to myself.” This is an essay about a woman’s journey to find her own pace while rowing through life. “Easing up on the rope, I pump slower, slower, my boat cruising past the crowd of bystanders waving from the shoreline.” I tell my students the theme is what you take away from a piece of literature—it is your message from the author. As women, we must listen to the own beat of our hearts, even if we cannot keep up with an industrialized society’s expectation of how women should physically labor in order to win the race.

Stand Up, Speak Out

My teaching tiger escaped from her cage with a roaring rage. We were reading the article, “Gay and So Alone” about a student being harassed, when one ninth grade boy said to the other, “faggot.” I lost it. I yelled, “I don’t ever want to hear that in my presence again. It disgusts me. You missed the entire point.” There was silence. It is my ninth grade honors class. They are all good kids. But even here, they don’t understand the damage that word does.

I get tired of explaining myself. It is my job after all, but some things are just emotionally exhausting and there are pieces of myself that I don’t share with all my students. Too many classes over the years, too many students per day, and too many misfires when I was being vulnerable and then thought better of it. It’s easier when teaching high school to come up with one-liners. “My sister is a lesbian. My best friend is gay. 10% of the population is homosexual, which means about three to four people in this room.” Somehow though, the one-liners never seem to cover it all.

A previous year, one of my students said regarding the principal, “That faggot. I’d kick his axx.” I wrote it up and gave it to the principal. This is a school where a student walked down the hall wearing eye shadow and another student pelted a bottle at him. As a teacher relayed the story to me, her solution was for the student to go to a more “accepting school” near Melrose. We also had a ninth grader that came to school wearing a dress. At a meeting, the coordinator of our ninth grade academy said, “We explained to him, if you come to school wearing a dress, you’ve got to be ready to deal with the other student’s reactions.” Here is where I spoke up, “a student should be able to come to school wearing whatever they choose and not have bottles pelted at them, or in the case of Lawrence King, be shot.” I didn’t say anything about the lack of consequence when my student threatened the principal. I did, however, tell the counselor that I needed the student removed from my class next semester because there were some things that I just was not willing to tolerate.

The complexity of these issues cannot be stated in a word when I want to stop a word from being used in my classroom. Please, my gay best friend from high school died three years ago. I think about the years he survived as an adolescent with society’s homophobia surrounding him. He, himself, made homophobic comments when we were young. It took years for me to understand the denial and inward self hatred that propagates such remarks. How can I explain to them how much I miss him, how witty he was, how he told me he would marry me if he were straight—that I would be the one.

When I was at my orientation for college at the University of Michigan, we were shown a video on diversity. My sister was in the video. She was quoting how two women were walking through the diag holding hands when a man said to them, “Come over here and we’ll show you how it’s done.” Afterward, we had a discussion group. I started talking, but burst into tears saying, “That was my sister in the video. How can people be so mean?”

Edgar called Nicolas “queer” in class the day after Nicolas used “gay.” I really didn’t have the energy to deal with the ignorance that day. I was already working on this essay and had mentioned this writing assignment that they would all have to do because of this very instance. But that day, Ruben, one of the boys I yelled at in regards to the “faggot” incident said, “You aren’t supposed to use that word.” He was a little beacon of light for me in that moment. He also told a girl who called me “Ms” that “she is Ms. Enszer—she is a proper noun, not a common noun.” Ruben makes me feel not only that I teach things, but more importantly that he learns them.

When I was in third grade, Boy George was like the voice of God singing to me, “Give me time to realize my crime.” People would say, “He’s gay.” I would quip back, “Bisexual.” He is actually gay, but to be accepted by the mainstream media, he said he was bisexual. That was before my sister came out to me, before I majored in theatre, before my best friend died. There was just something inherent in me to stand up to the negative connotation of that word at age eight.

So every day, I do my thing. I don’t know if any of my students realized I wore pink on February 19 in honor of Lawrence King and in the effort to stop bullying. But I do know that I moved from a small town in Michigan to Los Angeles for a reason. There, people wear big, bulky, winter coats. Here, a boy wore a dress to school. So even though I will apologize for yelling, I am not sorry for my emotional reaction. It comes from a very personal place. So if sharing this incites a student to see the film Milk, or research on the internet the Stonewall Riots, or simply say to another student, “You aren’t supposed to use that word” then some healing has taken place in my life and hopefully in the lives of others.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

How It Feels To Be Single Me

Modeled after Zora Neale Hurston's "How It Feels To Be Colored Me"

A single woman is how I signed all my escrow papers. My feminist friend went off—I bet they don’t make men sign a single man! I didn’t know. But I had taken this title on, turned it around in my mind, it was almost now like a commercial jingle in my head. A single woman. It seemed like the title of my next one-woman show.

I bought my property on my own. People asked if my parents helped…no, I asked, and they said no. The entitled part of me was very upset, since I feel like they have the money, or so I’m told by my mom’s best friend. But something inside of me fired up and said, “Fine then, I’ll do it on my own.” And I did.

My mother will never understand what it means to be a single woman in her thirties. She was married in her mid-twenties in the sixties, but being raised in the fifties, she is very traditional with her hats and high heels at church on Sundays. She worked as a R.N. growing up and although I always saw her as strong, I realized she would never be strong enough to leave my father and live on her own.

Although I see how hard it is to do everything on your own. Moving, legal paperwork, painting, putting in floors, fixing the clog in the sink, fixing the fan in the refrigerator, getting the fireplace to work when there is no other heat…sometimes I really get tired of being single me. Sometimes I really wish there was someone else to pick up the slack. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to do it all.

But I’m also glad I don’t have to put up with anyone else. When I moved to New York City, both my father and my boyfriend at the time offered to help me move. I declined their assistance. I didn’t want to deal with my boyfriend’s anger or my father’s annoyance and knew I could do it on my own with more peace of mind. So there I was in the middle of Manhattan on 47th Street between 8th and 9th unloading the Uhaul in the middle of the night.

When I moved to Los Angeles a few years later, I still did it on my own. This time I just hired movers. Easier to pay for the muscle of the man, as opposed to being bound by it. I landed at a man’s, but I knew I needed to quickly move out because I wasn’t going to last more than a few days.

When I was sixteen, my high school English teacher said she could see me having a baby on my own—that I was a strong, independent woman. She meant it as a compliment, but it haunts me even today. It feels lonely to be single me. There is an underlying fear constantly present that this is it. I haven’t found a partner yet and how am I going to have the baby I so desperately want on my own?

I had to fill out a person to contact in case of emergency, and I really felt like there was no one reliable I could put. The person you put is supposed to have power of attorney over you, but really, at my age, your parents no longer have that power. Since my parents live in Michigan, if I am knocked unconscious and need someone to be at the hospital with me, they are not the ones to call anyway. Who is my person to contact in case of emergency? My best friend doesn’t have a cell phone, so he may not get the message until hours later. And when you move, you really learn who your real friends are.

Howard used to say to enjoy my time as single me. He said sometimes he wished he were single. Sometimes, after hanging out with couples I am glad to be single me. But sometimes, I see what they have and I am envious me.

The archaic meaning of single is “not accompanied or supported by others; alone.” “People who are unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship.” There is this negative connotation that being single has. As singles, we are singled out. My married friend did not invite me to Thanksgiving one year, because they wanted another couple at the dinner table. How it feels to be single me is the perception by others and by myself that I have somehow failed the partnering ritual so many are in. It feels sad to be single me, but at the same time, I know the sad is replaced by mad when I am partnered me.

My mother would talk about single people—how they were selfish and narcissistic. I cannot judge her decisions for staying in a relationship I would never be in. But I feel its effects on single me. I think about my Aunt, who just lost her husband to cancer, and I know her single self is very different than how it feels to be single me. My Aunt and Uncle seemed to have had a very happy marriage. Seeing that, makes me feel like someday, I may be able to move from single me to more of me.

Monday, October 11, 2010

View from a Classroom


A student teacher from UCLA commented on the beautiful view from my classroom...but for me, the beauty is inside the classroom...although the cumulous circulating cirrus clouds makes for a nice example of alliteration for the back drop of a downtown skyline.

Friday, October 1, 2010

What Is an American?

Modeled after Michel-Guillaume Jean de Crevecoeur's essay

When I was in fourth grade, my teacher explained that we were not to say we were “Americans” because people in Canada and Mexico were also from North America—we were United States citizens. So when I was visiting Korea as an adult teaching at the International School at Handong Global University, I tried to enlighten the Korean culture with political correctness that I was a United States citizen…however, it became quite tiresome with the language barrier and I quickly realized that for better or worse, wherever one traveled, the Imperialistic legacy of the United States leaked itself into the collective unconscious, and whether I saw myself as an American or not, this was a cultural icon far larger than my little spirit could conquer.

My rudimentary teachings were of the Boston Tea Party—how that group rebelled from their oppressive British rulers and threw the tea into the Boston body of water. Dr. Oz was on Oprah and advised this poor woman with feet stench to soak her feet in tea bags—how American! She came on the show extremely grateful that now she was more acceptable to society because her feet no longer stank up the room when she took her shoes off.

As if it were a past life, even though I don’t think the majority of Americans believe in past lives, because the majority of Americans are Christian minus Dr. Oz, a Muslim and a vegan mind you, I was taken by the Salem witch trials. My elementary teacher told me that they would throw you in the water, if you floated, you were burned at the stake because you were guilty! But if you sunk, you were innocent, but you were dead anyway, so what did it matter?

In high school, my teacher told me to cherish my heritage. I had no idea what these words meant. I was brought up in one of the nation’s top ten most violent cities in America—Saginaw, Michigan. I didn’t know much about my Irish heritage, although I learned later about The Magdalene Laundries, the oppression and shaming of women through the Catholic religion, but also the ostracisation of their religion and the poor conditions in which they came to this country. I am more Finnish than anything else, yet I have never been to Finland, although I love my Volvo, and like to say I’m Swedish because it sounds more exotic. My name is very German, but I don’t like to admit that to anyone because of the whole Nazi thing. Maybe this is why I’ve had so many Jewish boyfriends? Only in America. I had to call my Grandmother and prove to a ninth grade boy that I am part Native American from the Polawadamee tribe. I, too, am American. I am more than just the white woman they perceive.

We have forty weeks to cover the American Literature in our text. I know that when my students leave, they will only have a taste of Feminism, Civil Rights, Transcendentalism and the notions of freedom on which our America was built. But I am making them write this essay, so if nothing else, they will be able to define for themselves what it is to be an American.

Academic Autobiography

Mrs. Coffee didn’t recommend me for the gifted program in kindergarten. My mother was furious. She marched down to the school a block and a half from our house and insisted I be tested. She didn’t want me to go to any other school than our neighborhood school which was being converted to a gifted school. There are few things which I remember from kindergarten—painting a Native American ceramic face, trying to figure out if I was right or left-handed, being embarrassed by my mother’s fake cheetah fur coat in the doorway as she picked me up, her overly made-up rouge cheeks smiling at me, her hand waving. I now appreciate how my mother was an advocate for my education, when I was too shy for the teacher to think that I was smart.

In second grade, I was in the lowest reading group. I also had a speech problem—no one could understand me. I had two older sisters, so for the first few years of my life, only they understood what I said, translated for me, as I pointed to things that I needed. I was signed up for speech with Ms. Rose, who thought that it would take years for people to be able to understand me. She was not used to working with gifted children. My father had offered me a dollar if I could say “slippery seals.” I practiced all day, and at the end of the day, was able to say it clearly and put my hand out for the anticipated cash. Flash some green and I was a talking machine.

In fourth grade, I received four Bs on my report card, and my father didn’t speak to me for weeks. My mother had to finally have a talk with him. But from then on, I vowed to get all As. It won me a top scholarship to University of Michigan, but I was stressed out in the process. I managed to keep up all As until college. I still graduated college with honors, but let slide a bit of my obsession with perfectionism. It wasn’t healthy. Best to be balanced.

Now, I teach my students how to question, challenge, fight for their grades. I realized when I became a teacher, just how subjective some grades are—how I wished I would have spoken up more and questioned some of my teachers in college. But I also teach my students how to think critically. The most important thing is what you learn in the process of a class, the things you take away, and what you learn in yourself from an interaction with a teacher. It’s ridiculous to think you are going to like everyone, but sometimes we have good enemies, a Native term. Our good enemy is the teacher which teaches us a lesson we might not otherwise have learned.

Sometimes, I am still that shy, little girl who no one sees as gifted. But now, instead of just painting a ceramic Native American face, I now know my own Native American roots as well. I sink my energy deep into the ground, so that even if no one sees what I am really capable of, deep inside myself, I know. Sometimes, that is enough.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Author Profile


The Bell Jar was the novel to read if you were a deep, brooding young woman in our gifted language arts class in high school. I could only get half way through it at sixteen, but Sylvia Plath had an impact on me with her acerbic language, the fact she committed suicide, and the iconic feminist she symbolized. One almost must be older, have lived in New York, and be able to place the historical context of the novel to truly appreciate its complexities. The opening line, “It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the Rosenbergs, and I didn’t know what I was doing in New York.” sets the tone and place of our story. Plath’s voice and style then resounds with, “It had nothing to do with me, but I couldn’t help wondering what it would be like, being burned alive all along your nerves.” Here, her dark, morbid, graphic language invites the reader for a ride that will not be the stereotypical feminine fifties Donna Reed.

Plath breaks not only the feminine wall of proper, but also writes with metacognitive reflection:
I was supposed to be having the time of my life.
I was supposed to be the envy of thousands of other college girls just like me all over America who wanted nothing more than to be tripping about in those same size-seven patent leather shoes I’d bought in Bloomingdale’s one lunch hour with a black patent leather belt and black patent leather pocketbook to match.

She explores the image society and Vogue has set forth for women, bubbling class issues, and her realization of how she fits in amongst the intellectual, elite crowd. Raised Unitarian, Plath went to public schools, her father died young, and she was on scholarship to Smith College. This is her first voyeur out of her town to the big city.
Mrs. Guinea answered my letter and invited me to lunch at her home. That was where I saw my first fingerbowl.
The water had a few cherry blossoms floating in it, and I thought it must be some clear sort of Japanese after-dinner soup and ate every bit of it, including the crisp little blossoms. Mrs. Guinea never said anything, and it was only much later, when I told a debutante I knew at college about the dinner, that I learned what I had done.

Here is the cultural deficit in Plath’s education—she doesn’t even realize she has broken the dining, decorative code of conduct because she didn’t even know what it was.

Plath has a keen eye for the double standard of sexuality between men and women and demonstrates the hypocrisy in her characters. Women are expected to wait until marriage. But the clean image of the medical student she is dating is shattered when she finds out he is no longer a virgin. “Now I saw he had only been pretending all this time to be so innocent.” The ramifications pertaining to this new knowledge extend to all the women in his life:
Buddy was amazingly close to his mother. He was always quoting what she said about the relationship between a man and a woman, and I knew Mrs. Willard was a real fanatic about virginity for men and women both. When I first went to her house for supper she gave me a queer, shrewd, searching look, and knew she was trying to tell whether I was a virgin or not.

Esther asks Buddy, her dating companion from Yale, if he has ever had an affair. He has, with a waitress. When asked what he told his mother, he replies, “I said Gladys was free, white and twenty-one.” Here, Plath demonstrates the juxtaposition of race and prostitution with a single quip. Esther is disgusted by this, “I thought the TB might just be a punishment for living the kind of double life Buddy lived and feeling so superior to people.”
Plath says through the character of Esther, “How could I write about life when I’d never had a love affair or a baby or even seen anybody die? A girl I knew had just won a prize for a short story about her adventures among the pygmies in Africa. How could I compete with that sort of thing?” Ironically, Plath writes this novel, these words, after her own breakdown. But given the patronizing time she was living in, it is no wonder she was trapped in “The Bell Jar” and given shock treatments. An intellectual woman, an outcast, apart from her society due to the fact that she is ahead of her time in her progressive thinking, she sheds lights on the doctors and mental health staff treating her.
There is a conflict of power, shown in the following scene:
“Why can’t I see a mirror?” I had been dressed in a sheath, striped gray and white, like mattress ticking, with a wide, shiny red belt, and they had propped me up in an armchair. “Why can’t I?”
“Because you better not.” The nurse shut the lid of the overnight case with a little snap.
“Why?”
“Because you don’t look very pretty”.

Here, a woman’s place is to look pretty, but after having a shaved head from shock treatments, who is responsible for the product of mental health treatment in this era?
My mother’s mouth tightened. “You should have behaved better, then.”
“What?”
“You shouldn’t have broken that mirror. Then maybe they’d have let you stay.” But of course I knew the mirror had nothing to do with it.

Due to “bad” behavior, she is transferred to another institution where she meets her first woman psychiatrist.
I told Doctor Nolan about the machine, and the blue flashes, and the jolting and the noise. While I was telling her she went very still.
“ That was a mistake,” she said then. “It’s not supposed to be like that.”
“I stared at her.
“ If it’s done properly,” Doctor Nolan said, “it’s like going to sleep.”
“If anyone does that to me again I’ll kill myself.”
Doctor Nolan said firmly, “You won’t have any shock treatments here. Or if you do,” she amended, “I’ll tell you about it beforehand and I promise you it won’t be anything like what you had before. Why,” she finished, “some people even like them.”

Killing herself is not only an escape from the abuse of the mental hospital, but a verbal expression of taking back her power with the treating psychiatrist. She does endure more shock treatments, and her friend, Joan, ends up hanging herself. As Esther questions her own responsibility in the death, it is ironic, how the doctor detaches her own responsibility in the death.
“Of course you didn’t do it!” I heard Doctor Nolan say. I had come to her about Joan, and it was the only time I remember her sounding angry. “Nobody did it. She did it.” And then Doctor Nolan told me how the best of psychiatrist have suicides among their patients, and how they, if anybody, should be held responsible, but how they, on the contrary, do not hold themselves responsible….

This idea of responsibility, of “having the time of my life,” of being grateful for the gifts of education and experience threads throughout the novel.
I knew I should be grateful to Mrs. Guinea, only I couldn’t feel a thing. If Mrs. Guinea had given me a ticket to Europe, or a round-the-world cruise, it wouldn’t have made one scrap of difference to me, because wherever I sat—on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok—I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.
This mentor Mrs. Guinea, “at one time, at the peak of her career, she had been in an asylum as well.”
My mother said that Mrs. Guinea had sent her a telegram from the Bahamas, where she read about me in a Boston paper. Mrs. Guinea had telegrammed, “Is there a boy in the case?”
If there was a boy in the case, Mrs. Guinea couldn’t, of course, have anything to do with it.
But my mother had telegrammed back, “No, it is Esther’s writing. She thinks she will never write again.”

Originally, Plath had hesitation in publishing The Bell Jar in the United States due to its autobiographical nature and her concern for its portrayal of her mother. When it was published, the Feminist movement was on the rise, and Plath’s voice echoed from the grave what silenced women longed to say and hear. Plath’s personal story became a backbone to issues of women as an artist, the mental health care of women, and the domestication of the woman as a wife. Once Plath separated from Hughes, she was able to find herself as a writer again and hone her creative energies. In a letter to her mother, she writes, “Living apart from Ted is wonderful—I am no longer in his shadow, and it is heaven to be liked for myself alone, knowing what I want.”

Plath is considered a Feminist in the ways she graphically writes about sex, not necessarily romanticizing it, but as the character Esther has clung to it, then, finally gets rid of it. It is a badge of honor, of power, of transformation. She writes about the ritual of losing her virginity:
“You know, Irwin, I think I ought to tell you, I’m a virgin.”
Irwin laughed and flung me down on the bed.
A few minutes later an exclamation of surprise revealed that Irwin hadn’t really believed me. I thought how lucky it was I had started practicing birth control during the day, because in my winey state that night I would never have bothered to perform the delicate and necessary operation. I lay, rapt and naked, on Irwin’s rough blanket, waiting for the miraculous change to make itself felt.
But all I felt was sharp, startling bad pain.
“It hurts,” I said. “Is it supposed to hurt?”

Esther discovers she is bleeding:
Then the stories of blood-stained bridal sheets and capsules of red ink bestowed on already deflowered brides floated back to me. I wondered how much I would bleed, and lay down, nursing the towel. It occurred to me that the blood was my answer. I couldn’t possibly be a virgin any more. I smiled into the dark. I felt part of a great tradition.

Plath proudly writes about using birth control, having sex before marriage, and celebrating female sexuality in the fifties, a historically repressed generation. Simultaneously, she does it through Esther, a woman being treated at a mental institution.
Plath addresses the stigma of a mental breakdown:
Doctor Nolan had said, quite bluntly, that a lot of people would treat me gingerly, or even avoid me, like a leper with a warning bell. My mother’s face floated to mind, a pale, reproachful moon, at her last and first visit to the asylum since my twentieth birthday. A daughter in an asylum! I had done that to her. Still, she had obviously decided to forgive me.
“We’ll take up where we left off, Esther,” she had said, with her sweet, martyr’s smile. “We’ll act as if all this were a bad dream.”
A bad dream.
To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream.

Plath takes us back to the point in the story where Esther is viewing the “big glass bottles full of babies that had died before they were born.” Esther is “quite proud of the calm way I stared at all these gruesome things.” Plath has endured shock treatments, stared and studied where others look away, and brought these issues through metaphor in her writings. Her death immortalizes her work, forming its own dream for others to interpret.
Plath’s daughter, Frieda Hughes, writes in the foreword to Ariel:
It appeared to me that my father’s editing of Ariel was seen to “interfere” with the sanctity of my mother’s suicide, as if, like some deity, everything associated with her must be enshrined and preserved as miraculous, but that was because my father made it appear so, even playing me a record of my mother reading her poetry so I could hear her voice again. It was many years before I discovered my mother had a ferocious temper and a jealous streak, in contrast to my father’s more temperate and optimistic nature, and that she had on two occasions destroyed my father’s work, once by ripping it up and once by burning it. I’d been aghast that my perfect image of her, attached to my last memories, was so unbalanced. But my mother, inasmuch as she was an exceptional poet, was also a human being and I found comfort in restoring the balance; it made sense of her for me. The outbursts were the exception, not the rule. Life at home was generally quiet, and my parent’s relationship was hardworking and companionable. However, as her daughter, I needed to know the truth of my mother’s nature—as I did my father’s—since it was to help me understand my own.
When the film Sylvia came out in 2003, Frieda expressed no interest in seeing it because she was more interested in her mother’s “life, than death.” Frieda would not release the rights to any of her mother’s poetry for the film. The film explores themes of Plath’s intuition at her husband having an affair. Having watched it a second time, it is also clear how her husband could have manipulated her mental health issues to his advantage. One might say he has been able to manipulate his own image by controlling (and in some cases censoring himself out of her work) the rights to Plath’s publishing. Plath and Hughes son, Nicolas, hanged himself in 2009.
Ted Hughes, Plath’s husband, whom she was separated at the time of her death, but not divorced, felt a sense of responsibility in editing her work. The complexities of an intimate relationship are not for an outsider to judge. However, it has been commented on that Hughes’ second wife, Assia Wevill, the woman he had an affair with during his and Plath’s marriage, committed suicide in the same manner as Plath. When she laid down to die, though, she also took their four-year-old daughter to death with her. Apparently, Hughes never acknowledged the child as his own. It is said that Assia could not compete with Sylvia, not even dead Sylvia.
As a graduate student, Nan Cohen put the quote, “Love set you going like a fat gold watch” in our poetry packet for Core. “Morning Song” is about the birth of her child and being a mother, but one can’t help think of the temptuous relationship Plath had with Hughes. It has been almost twenty years since I was first introduced to Sylvia Plath. Whereas once I could not finish The Bell Jar, I understand it with much more depth because of my own personal experience as a woman living in New York, an academic overachiever when I was in school, and the perspective of a Feminist in how women’s mental health issues were addressed. The ending of The Bell Jar does not tie everything up with a bow:
“Don’t be scared,” Doctor Nolan had said. “I’ll be there, and the rest of the doctors you know, and some visitors, and Doctor Vining, the head of all the doctors, will ask you a few questions, and then you can go.”
But in spite of Doctor Nolan’s reassurances, I was scared to death.
I had hoped, at my departure, I would feel sure and knowledgeable about everything that lay ahead—after all, I had been “analyzed.” Instead, all I could see were question marks.
I kept shooting impatient glances at the closed boardroom door. My stocking seams were straight, my black shoes cracked, but polished, and my red wool suit flamboyant as my plans. Something old, something new….
But I wasn’t getting married. There ought, I thought, to be a ritual for being born twice—patched, retreaded and approved for the road, I was trying to think of an appropriate one when Doctor Nolan appeared from nowhere and touched me on the shoulder.
“All right, Esther.”


There are so many interpretations to Plath’s work and life, but as a Feminist, she told her truth. She did not paint her marriage as perfect, or her domesticity as simple, or motherhood as the end all be all. Suicide is said to be the ultimate, “F YOU.” Whether or not Plath intended to be found or not will continue to be debated, but her signature as an artist, a confessional poet, and an icon will live on.

Works Consulted
Hughes, Ted. Birthday Letters. New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 1998.
Plath, Sylvia. Ariel The Restored Edition, with a foreward by Frieda Hughes. New York: Harper Collins, 2004.
Plath, Sylvia. Letters Home: Correspondence 1950-1963, edited by Aurelia Plath. New York: Harper Collins, 1975.
Plath, Sylvia. Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams. New York: Harper & Row, 1979.
Plath, Sylvia. The Bell Jar, with a foreward by Frances McCullough. New York: Harper Perennial Modern Classics, 2006.
Plath, Sylvia. The Collected Poems, edited with an introduction by Ted Hughes. New York: Harper Perennial Modern Classics, 2008.
Plath, Sylvia. The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath, edited by Karen V. Kukil. New York: Anchor Books, 2000.
Wagner, Erica. Ariel’s Gift Ted Hughes, Sylvia Plath, and the Story of Birthday Letters. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 2001.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Found Poem

To Decry An Assault

On public education
Day of Action!
Canceled classes,
ordered furloughs and layoffs,
unprecedented student fee increases.
Walk out.
Larger classes,
cancellations of art, music, physical education
destroy the education system,
wreck the economic viability of the state.
Schwarzenegger
shifting some money from prisons;
Build up of frustration—
Just a set of numbers
on paper.
We consider ourselves like
Harvard or Yale;
120 faculty off their duff
to Sacramento…
unprecedented.

Rivera, Carla, "Ralies Target School Cuts:" The Los Angeles Times, Thursday, March 4, 2010, AA1

Monday, March 1, 2010

Stream of Consciousness

When I was looking to move to LA from New York City, I saw these pictures online that made apartments seem like resorts—Jacuzzis, marble countertops, Spanish tile. I was moving to La La land! Only when I landed, it was Koreatown with roaches. So much for what you see in pictures.

If it looks too good to be true, chances are it is. Like the house on the West side in my price range. The fact that the real estate agent had me entering along the side of the property through the back door was the first clue. There was no front door. It was one of those boarded up the-bank-took-it-over jobs. A sign hung on the sliding glass door, “BEWARE—if someone tries to rent you this property they are out of compliance with the law.”

“A thousand dollars will fix it up,” the agent claimed in his close-the-deal-for-commission-way. No driveway. Some strange solar shed behind the house. Holes in the ceiling. “An attic!” exclaimed the agent. A rat trap, I thought to myself. Faucets missing in the bathroom. There was a weightedness to the property. Like someone hung themselves and the spirit was still in the dirty carpet.

A SUV was merging onto the 10-E when it lost control, the front tires collapsing, it spun into the lane next to me, then rolled over on the highway, rolling over the guardrail, toppling down to the trees below. It freaked me out. One minute you’re thinking about buying real estate, the next, you are realizing you just missed smashing into a toppling SUV.

I called my mother. “A car just rolled over on the highway as it was merging on the freeway in the lane next to me.”

I don’t remember what she said. I was looking for comfort. But she was not the one to call with this story.

When my sister was killed in a car crash, her ex-husband replaced the board covering the front door with glass in the house she was renting before my parents came out to go through her belongings. That made it seem more like a home, rather than a foreclosure.

I’d like to board up the memories of her death…tear up the dirty carpet and replace it with new…but it lingers in these moments where I witness a SUV rolling over the guardrail—reminding me of how things change in an instant, how I am stripped of my faucets, leaving holes in the ceiling, a weightedness to our property impossible to resell, just a sign on the subconscious marked for resale.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Literary Treasure

Keeping Things Whole

In a field
I am the absence
of field.
This is
always the case.
Wherever I am
I am what is missing.

When I walk
I part the air
and always
the air moves in
to fill the spaces
where my body's been.

We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole.

- Mark Strand

I first read this poem in a high school textbook while I was teaching when I first moved to Los Angeles. The simplicity of it was beautiful to me. I wrote it down by hand so I could read it to my friend, Lori, who ran the Continuum office. Continuum is a form of organic movement that accesses the fluid system through sound, breath, and wave motion.

It is impossible to describe in words…one just has to experience it like the bus stop incident Aram was speaking of last week. Emilie, the founder of Continuum, talks about negative space. “In a field/ I am the absence/ of field.” It is such a simple line, and yet pondering it is the space between the words that makes it so potent. “Wherever I am/ I am what is missing.” This is very Zen, as we rush around trying to find something which is already present. It reminds me of a Poetry In Motion poem that should be on the subways in New York City. Deb Margolin used to memorize the poems.

“When I walk/ I part the air/ and always/ the air moves in/ to fill the spaces/ where my body’s been.” Again, the image of the air moving in to fill in the space where our body has been is a juxtaposition of our narcissistic culture of the human moves, not the air. “We all have reasons/ for moving./ I move/ to keep things whole.” It brings me back to myself, to keep moving, to keep being whole. It’s silly really—it is such a simple poem. Like the stupid Jerry Maguire line, “You complete me.” But that line resonated with the masses.

Dissecting a poem in textual analysis is like beating a horse of its beauty. I would rather read this poem aloud, the words falling between spaces, allowing it to do its own magic, others discovering its treasures. Even if they hate it, it has moved through the spaces and found a reason for moving.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Personal Narrative with Song Lyrics


When I was thirteen, I was breaking the law on a regular basis. It didn't really register that I was breaking the law because I thought that having to be sixteen to drive a car was a stupid, societal law and I was a very mature thirteen-year-old hanging out with a sixteen-year-old. I was a good girl. I wasn't having sex, I wasn't getting drunk, I wasn't doing drugs, I got straight As, respected my parents and teachers loved me. But I was breaking the law every time Andy and I got together and he would offer to let me drive his mother's Sprint. Andy was a great driving teacher. We laughed when I broke too hard. I was very careful with the gas pedal and he was very patient as I practiced. We started out in parking lots. But we got bolder as I got better. We took to the streets.

Andy let me drive to Bay City, a high way jaunt, twenty minutes from our town of Saginaw. We would just drive around, listening to the radio, our favorite songs. Gas was cheap in the late eighties and Saginaw was home of the hashers with bands like Bad English singing “When I see you smile, I can face the world.” We were going through the drive thru and the man in the window said, "there's a song by Stevie Nicks I wonder what Greta would say" when he heard my name. He sang, “She wants to live by the ocean.” I didn't know the song.

One day we had gone to Butman Fish Library and Andy had offered to let me take the driver's seat. There we were on the side street, I at the wheel so Andy could read the latest biography of Diana Ross. We didn’t see his mother driving the navy Caprice behind us. Had we, we would have ducked or driven away, or done something…but as it was we were oblivious until she pulled us over.

It’s better to be pulled over by a cop than your best friend’s mother when you are breaking the law…or is it? I don’t think I had really thought through the repercussions of this rush of adrenaline, this sheer joy of being behind the wheel. Sex you can get pregnant, disease, they had classes to teach you about that, but driving seemed like such a harmless sin. Back in Jesus’ day, they didn’t even have driving licenses. I had to get behind the wheel because Jesus never did! But Andy’s mother wasn’t seeing it that way. She talked about me hitting a child crossing the street, the insurance company coming after me…things I had never even thought of with my thirteen-year-old vision.

We begged her not to tell my parents. Andy told her my strict parents would surely take me out of theatre, or never let me see him again, should they be told. I don’t know if it was because his mother loved me, or because she had been through breast cancer, but somehow she decided that taking away Andy’s Diana Ross concert was enough. It was tragic, but together, we could dramatically sing:
“There was so much you gave me
To my heart
To my soul
There was so much of your dreams
That were never told
You had so much hope
For a brighter day
Why were you my flower
Plucked away”

I was driving the other day in my usual mundane way, wondering why I have to live day after day trying to find a parking space. Realizing that I do live by the ocean just like Stevie Nicks prophesized, and for that, who can complain, even when searching for a parking space. I thought about how thrilling those first driving days with Andy were. “Sometimes I want to give up, I want to give in, I want to quit the fight.” Andy has passed on. But when I hear our music, I see him smile. “And then I see you baby, and everything’s alright.”

Where I'm From

modeled after George Ella Lyon

I am from Boy George and Culture Club
Quiet Riot and “Cum on feel the Noise
Girls rock your boys
We’ll get Wild Wild Wild”
I am from Day to Night Barbie
She can be anything
I am told I can be too.

I am from Macaroni and Cheese
Raman Noodles
McDonald’s and Search for Tomorrow
Never in the present,
But living in a soap opera
Even in 2nd grade
No reruns and lots of drama
Lunchtime with Mom who works nights at the hospital
I am from being overwhelmed by other kids energies in the cafeteria
But feeling safe at home.

I am from hunting with Alivia
That didn’t mean killing animals
Rather exploring neighbors
Backyards in the heart of Michigan
Winters our footprints tracks
Of guilt in the snow.

I am from my blanket
With a corner for each family

I am from a gunite pool
Underground in ground
Popular girl in town
Mom floating on her raft
Doesn’t go underwater
Because of her face

I am from “Hista Napa Buska Nama!”
Smell your belly button xxxxface
From my only words of Finnish
To the pasties made of meat and potatoes

I am from the Midwest
Middle of Nowhere
“Somewhere, there’s a place for us”
I am from Barbra Streisand dreams
Sewing some Jewish seams
Finding humor in tragedy
Laughing through my sister’s death
Dark comedy in NYC
Transforming strife to find new life.

I am from Seaweeds
To comfort me
Mermaid dolls floating
On sponges
I wanted to be the Little mermaid who floated away
Transformed from sea
Foam into a daughter of the air
Here is my unrequited love
I am ready!!

I am from rebelling against
My father’s teaching
Being an artist instead of a scientist
Believing in God, going against his grain
I am from scattered fantasies
Told to me in childhood
Still holding onto hope
Like Pandora
Watching the bird take
Flight among the evil
Unleashed through myth.